kalpurna

1. My soulmate, my lover, my sweet darling. I want to wake up with you every morning and see your face over the breakfast table twenty years from now. You and I get along so well. Sometimes, I feel a little outclassed by you, and so I cheat, but I always come crawling back the next morning. I'm sorry. Never leave me, baby.

2. You're kind of ridiculous, and I hate your hair, but somehow I keep coming back to your cheesy pick-up lines and horrible nicknames. I don't know. I think it's the way you're so utterly sincere about it that disarms me.

3. Oh, my first boyfriend. It was only after I broke up with you and got some more experience that I realized what a bad kisser you are. And that whole bondage thing was a little much. Still, I have a soft spot for you in my heart.

4. I loved you ever since I was a little kid, and I still get teary sometimes when I spend time with you. You're so beautiful, and sophisticated, and well-read. But the thought of sex with you kind of creeps me out, and sometimes when people talk about it, I have to leave the room.

5. You didn't make a great first impression, and I sort of feel like I shouldn't like you, based on your own merits, but... you're so much fun. Hanging out with you is like getting stoned and watching bad sci-fi.

6. My Kevin Federline. You are so greasy, and so weird, and I seriously can't figure out what it is that appeals to me about you, and yet... I've probably spent more nights in your sketchy embrace than with any other lover I've ever had. There's something about you that I find endlessly appealing. (But, come on. Lose the dreads.)

7. You are so utterly adorable. You're a little in denial about your sexuality, but somehow it's entirely charming. I've only ever met one other person who dated you, and it made me so happy to be able to talk about you with someone. You should get out more! Maybe you'll come visit me this Christmas?

8. There are things about you that annoy me. Sometimes, your speech patterns can get a little irritating, and you've definitely made some bad choices in your life. Still, there are times when you're so clever I want to lick you – remember that one Passover? And I do always love spending time with you. Just, you know, in small doses.

9. Oh, God, you do so many drugs and it worries me. Every couple of years, I wake up in an alley in Atlantic City, hung-over and wearing only a sparkly t-shirt and a pair of panties, and I know I spent the night with you. Shape up, honey!

10. You just... I don't know what to do with you. Your moodswings, your multiple personality disorder, your irritating ex-girlfriend. I think my favorite thing about dating you was all the times you dressed up as a hooker.