kalpurna

Hey, I don't know if any of you guys are interested in this, but I've been thinking a lot lately about my ADD, and I thought I'd write down some of what I think about it now just so I'd have a reference later on in life. Also, I love talking to people about ADD, because there are so many misconceptions about it, and I like to share my experiences. Feel free to pimp this post to anyone you like. It's entirely possible that it will be ETAed into the indefinite future, as I gather my thoughts into some form of coherence. So, uhm, come talk to me about ADD!

When I was in the 10th grade, I suddenly hit a kind of wall in terms of academics. All of a sudden, I couldn't get by anymore without doing the homework. I actually had to study for tests. And my reaction to this was to completely shut down; I did no work at all, and my grades started to drop. Now, in my case, the whole thing was complicated by the onset of clinical depression, and I probably wouldn't have reacted as dramatically as I did if it weren't for the mood disorder weirding up my reaction to events. But the trigger for the depression, and the original source of the problem, was my ADD.

ADD in girls often goes undiagnosed for many years, or even forever, because it often doesn't manifest itself along with hyperactivity. Girls with ADD tend more toward staring out the window than running around in circles, and because they aren't disruptive to the class, they don't get taken to a shrink. Instead, 99% of the time, the smart ones coast by on brains, and the not-so-smart ones just get left behind. It's unfortunate, but it's true.

I will never stop being grateful that I hit my personal ADD barrier in high school, instead of in college, where my dad hit his. Because when my grades started to drop? My parents were right there for me. My particular form of ADD is linked to depression, and the way it manifests itself is that I just stop doing anything – stop working, stop living, stop leaving my room. If it had happened in college, I honestly don't think I would have been CAPABLE of getting my shit together. As it is, at least I know what I'm working with.

There was one night I'll remember forever. In order to pick my English electives for the next year, I had to fill out a form and have my parents sign it, which I had done. But the form had been due to the teacher for three weeks, and it was still sitting in my backpack, despite the teacher speaking to me about it multiple times. It was so fucking ridiculous. In understandable frustration, my teacher finally found my mom in the lunchroom (I'm a faculty brat) and told her about it. I got an email around 1:00, telling me that my parents knew about the whole thing. I was utterly miserable for the rest of the day, certain that my parents were going to be furious at me. When I finally got home, my mom was still at work, but my dad was sitting in the living room. I was prickly, and defensive, and about to cry. But instead of yelling at me, my father just got up and put his arms around me and stroked my hair, and told me how worried he was, and how much he loved me. It was – I still can't think about it without getting choked up.

Attention Deficit Disorder is kind of a misleading name, both because people with ADD can often hyperfocus on certain things, and there are also parts of ADD that aren't at all harmful. It's more of an attention regulatory disorder than anything else: people with ADD can't choose what they focus on. The truth is that "ADD" is just a name for a certain type of brain, one that doesn't function ideally in society – square pegs in round holes. Still, I come down pretty firmly on the Pro-medication side of the debate, if only because meds can be a useful tool to help you function practically in this world. I try not to depend on them, but I do use them sometimes.

There's no words I can find to fully describe how horrible ADD can be... the gnawing feeling in your stomach when it's a half-hour before your paper is due and you haven't even started it, the feelings of shame and worthlessness that come from not being able to complete the simplest task. I just feel so lazy sometimes. And yet, there's a really positive side to ADD, too – it makes you a more creative thinker, you get that hyperfocus stuff, people with ADD are often incredibly passionate and talented at certain things. It's just something you've got to live with.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for the moment. Open question and answer session in the commments about ADD – I seriously promise not to get offended! And anonymous commenting is enabled! And hey, what the hell, let's throw my mood disorder into the mix as well. Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Depression and ADD But Were Afraid to Ask.