kalpurna

Oh, y'all. I just got genuinely choked up while listening to Hum Hallelujah. Not for Pete, so much, although oh PETE, but for Patrick. Ohhh. Because, see, I know what it's like to have a soulmate. And fuck slash, for the moment: I'm just talking about platonic, BFF, real true deep bonding soulmates. My best friend, usually referred to in this journal as Meela, has been in my life since before I was born; our parents were in the same pregnancy aerobics class, and my mother photographed her birth while nine months pregnant with me. We went to school together from preschool (where she stole my pacifier) through 12th grade, and now we go to college together. We're getting an apartment next year.

And for all of this, it's not just familiarity and time that makes our friendship, not just habit – she understands me better with fewer words spoken than anyone else in my life, with the possible exception of my parents. She's closer to me than my brother. We fight all the time, and piss each other off, and I love her more than anything. She knows what I'm going to say before I open my mouth.

Once, when I was maybe nine, I had a nightmare that she died (it was my fault) and it was gut-wrenching. Oh, God, it was awful. When I told my mom about it, she clearly thought it was sweet that I cared so much. It wasn't sweet. It was horrifying. It left a bad taste in my mouth for days. I really, honestly, don't know how I could possibly deal if she died tomorrow, and weak as it is, I pray that I die first so I'll never have to.

And so what kills me about Hum Hallelujah isn't Pete, although, man, Pete. It's Patrick. The rage, the helplessness that must have consumed him when he heard, when he found out, the heart-stopping terror and adrenaline – I can imagine it, I can glimpse what it must have been like, and it just breaks me. I can't believe I'm getting teary about a Fall Out Boy song, but wow, I really really am. Because after all that, to have to sing about it in Pete's words? Sweet Christ. PATRICK. After this, you are my woobie forever.

*sniffs* OK, wow, I have got to pull it together. FALL OUT BOY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

Hum Hallelujah